文本翻译
什么是看似虚假，但却是真正的救星的生活窍门？
有哪些人生忠告听起来很假，却能救你一命？
翻译评论
生姜
每个男性都应该知道这一点。如果你想摆脱尴尬的勃起，弯曲你身体的任何肌肉，也许是手臂。一分钟。血液会流向肌肉而不是你的老二。危机解除。
每个人都应该知道这一点。如果你想掩盖一个尴尬的帐篷，你身上的任何肌肉都可以帮助你。只需要一分钟。血液会流向那块肌肉，从你的丁丁流出。危机解除了。
菲尔芬克
不要做那个笨拙的家伙，试图在公共场合隐藏勃起，自信地摇摆着愤怒的阴茎，同时向全世界展示那些枪
当然，不要做那个为了在公共场合掩盖自己的帐篷而自信地对全世界摆姿势的人。
菲尔芬克
缓慢的重金属音乐播放.
开始播放慢节奏的重金属音乐…
squanchy22400ml毫升
相反也是如此吧？
反过来，对吗？
digi2k
我不知道什么更糟糕，按住我的阴茎或笨拙地站在那里，弯曲我的阴茎试图在我的汗衫上撕开一个洞。
我不知道哪个更糟糕，抱着帐篷回去还是站在那里笨拙地炫耀我的二头肌，同时看到我的钻头即将冲破天空。
卡斯帕斯_影子
用剃须膏防雾。我把它用在了我摩托车遮阳板的里面。涂抹上去，晾干，然后冲洗干净，晾干。它也适用于浴室镜子。你可以在一个小地方使用它，这样当你洗完澡的时候还能看到。
使用剃须膏作为除雾器。我用在摩托车的后视镜上。涂上，自然风干，然后往下抹干。它也适用于浴室镜子。可以对着镜子涂一点，这样即使洗完澡也能看清楚。
城市
勃起是一件健康的事情，如此自然，我们不应该感到羞耻.#自由女神
帐篷是很健康的东西，而且很自然。我们不应该为此感到羞耻.#免费帐篷
弗朗斯克1
屏住呼吸一分钟左右也很有效，你可以在公共场合更好地隐藏它
憋气一分钟什么的还行，能让你在公共场合藏得更深。
StrandType
我这样做已经很多年了，每次都很有效。我总是弯曲我的小腿。即使它真的被科学地解释了，我认为这些年来仅仅相信它就已经使它起作用了
我这样做已经很多年了，每次都有效。我不断收缩小腿的肌肉。即使没有科学的解释，我认为过去几年的信念使这一招奏效了。
rottenpupil
Does this work for those early morning tents?
早晨支的帐篷也有用吗？
cates
why in the world am I just hearing about this now?
我到底为什么今天才听说这件事？
Pochusaurus
Turn your device on and off before contacting tech support.
在寻求技术支持之前，先重启你的设备试试。
WaddlingKereru
And restart your computer regularly, not a shut down, a restart. Shut down is now just a glorified sleep and will not solve your problem
并且要经常重启你的电脑。不是关机，而是重启。现在的关机只是牛逼一点的休眠模式，并不会解决你的问题
GuiltyOrphan
If you have Windows 10 and want shutdown to actually shut your computer down you have to manually change the setting.
假如你的电脑是Windows 10，你想彻底地关掉你的电脑，你就得手动修改一下设置。
Search power settings in the Windows search bar, go to the right side of the window and find “Additional power settings”. Once that opens go to “Choose what the power buttons do” on the left side of the power options window. If you see “Change settings that are currently unavailable” near the top, click that and in the 4 checkboxes under “Shutdown settings”, the top one should say “Turn on fast starting (recommended)”. Despite the “recommended” part you need to uncheck it. After that just hit save changes.
在Windows搜索栏里搜索电源和睡眠设置，去屏幕右边找到“其他电源设置”，打开新窗口后选择“更改电源按钮的功能”。假如你在窗口的上方看见了蓝字的“更改当前不可用的设置”，点一下，在下面“关机设置”的四个复选框中，最上面的一个写的是“启用快速启动（推荐）”。尽管它写了推荐，但你不应该选。然后按保存修改就可以了。
n0rs
If you're fancy with computers, you can run (win+r) shutdown -r -f -t 00
假如你熟悉怎么用电脑，你可以运行（Win+R)输入"shutdown -r -f -t 00"。
SquashedTarget
In case anyone is wondering what this means:
假如有人纳闷这是什么意思的话；
FionaOlwen
Damn really..? Good to know!
我草真的？学到了！
HurpityDerp
not a shut down, a restart. Shut down is now just a glorified sleep and will not solve your problem
引用：“不是关机，而是重启。现在的关机只是牛逼一点的休眠模式，并不会解决你的问题”
Funny because most people believe the opposite.
很好笑的是现在有很多人的看法与此相反。
WaddlingKereru
Well it used to be the opposite. But Microsoft found switching them to be an easy way to make computers start up more quickly (making the product appear better without actually making it better). However people now fall down because they never do a restart, thinking that it’s unnecessary, when it’s in fact very necessary. Even a few weeks without a restart now can cause problems
其实以前确实是正好相反的。但微软发现把两个切换一下是让电脑启动速度更快的好方法（让产品看上去好很多，但并没有真正让产品变好）。然而人们现在会摔跟头，因为他们从来不重启，觉得重启没必要，而事实上非常有必要。就算几星期不重启，电脑也会出问题。
ASS_LORD_666
I saw a comment on one of these kinda threads that recommended gently rocking back and forth while pooping. I’ve never had any problems in the bathroom, but I happened to be sitting on the toilet when I read the comment so I decided to give it a test drive. I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and effortless the whole experience was and I haven’t gone back to my old stationary technique since. As a bonus, #1 and #2 now require the same amount of time in the bathroom!
我见过一个类似帖子的评论，推荐你在拉屎的时候轻轻地前后晃动身体。我以前从来没有经历过这种厕所问题，但当时读这个评论的时候我正好坐在马桶上，我就打算来一次试试。我很惊喜地发现整个过程变得又快又顺滑，于是我再也没回到以前的一动不动式。现在我在厕所里解大手和解小手的时间一样短了！
ghaupt1
Okay, I don’t know if you’ll see this or have the wherewithal to respond, but it’s 6:30am where I am and I’ve been up since around 4 with some constipation, mostly just browsing around Reddit (I’m not even subbed here ― I’ve been browsing so long I hopped over to “Popular” to change things up). I have work today I just got promoted and we’re right smack dab in the middle of a two week crunch.
好吧我不知道你们会不会看到这个帖子或者有没有想要回的，但现在我这边是早上六点半，我四点多就醒了，感觉有点便秘，基本上就是在看reddit（我甚至都没订阅这个板块，我刷的时间太长了，以至于跳到了“流行”分类）。我今天得工作，我刚刚升职，正在两周疯狂加班的中间。
I’ve been getting up, moving around, trying different stretches and positions to loosen things up, but all I’ve been feeling is tension and a lack of relief.
我起床了，到处走动过，试过各种伸展动作和各种姿势好让下边松快松快，但我感到的只有紧张和不舒坦。
Rocking back and forth on the toilet for just the last 5-10 minutes has already totally relieved the discomfort and tension I’ve been feeling! I haven’t jostled anything out yet, but I hope I’ve at least got the operation moving again. I’m comfortable enough to where I can probably go get a couple more hours of sleep and try again before I go to work.
在马桶上前后晃悠了5到10分钟，我所有的不适和紧张都一扫而空了！我暂时还没把什么东西挤出来，但我希望至少开始正常运动了。我现在感到足够舒适，可以回去再睡几小时，或许上班之前我还可以来这里再坐一会儿。
THANK YOU, ASS LORD.
谢谢你，屁股王（楼上的ID)。
Edit: Hey guys! Thanks for the helpful advice. My bowels are free; the show will go on!
编辑：老铁们！感谢你们有用的建议。我的肠胃已经通畅了；演出将会继续！
idk-hereiam
Hope everything came out OK! Drink a lot of water and eat some leafy greens
希望一切都好！多喝水，吃点绿叶菜
HazycloudBlues
It's from stress. It can do all kinds of crazy things to your body including the digestive system. Hope you're feeling better 11 hours after posting this.
这是压力导致的。压力会给你的身体带来各种各样的负担，包括消化系统。我希望你在发了这个帖子的11小时后感到舒坦许多。
HazycloudBlues
You was backed up like the Suez canal.
你堵得像苏伊士运河。
bennynthejetsss
It works! Also, elevating your knees helps too. Hence... the squatty potty. I’m not a person who like to spend time pooping. My poops: 30 seconds max. My husbands: 10 mins minimum.
确实有用！以及把你的膝盖抬高一些也有帮助。所以……请用蹲便。我不是那种喜欢在拉屎上浪费时间的人。我拉屎：顶多30秒。我丈夫拉屎：10分钟起步。
Cm19803539
10 minutes? What, is this guy running a race?
刚10分钟？跟这儿竞速呢？
Instant_Smack
45 mins min, at work, 4 times a day.
45分钟起步，上班的时候，一天四趟。
raeumauf
Do men actually take longer for pooping than women or are you just chilling the rest of the deal?
是男性普遍会比女性拉久一点，还是只是你在开玩笑？
Cm19803539
It just depends. I can take anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 minutes in the bathroom, but I have unfortunate digestive problems and (I assume) a bad gut flora issue, so pooping is sometimes a painful and laborious process.
看情况。我在厕所里花的时间在10分钟到半小时之间，但我消化有点问题，并且（我认为）我的肠道菌群不太好，所以拉屎有的时候既痛苦又费力。
Reddit does add some time to the clock though ;-)
当然啦刷reddit确实会占一点时间
TheDragoniteborn
90 seconds using the toilet, 10 minutes using reddit
90秒拉屎，10分钟刷手机
hammock_enthusiast
Just want to put out there to my fellow poop/me-time breakers; if you ever find yourself having some hemorrhoid-like issues this could be a cause. You’re not just sitting like you would be in a chair, your region down there is pushing out a bit and shouldn’t for an extended time. If you’re not having issues, keep scrolling but if you ever do, maybe look at changing up this habit.
只是想给我亲爱的拉屎/私人休息时间伙伴们指出一点：假如你发现自己有类似痔疮的症状，在马桶上坐太久可能是原因之一。当你坐在上头的时候你和坐在椅子上是不一样的，因为下面那块儿是往外凸出来的，并且不应该凸太久。假如你没有这方面的问题，尽管接着刷，但假如有的话，或许可以考虑一下换个习惯。
gold_works
I'd probably hide out in the bathroom too if my wife were the type to time my bowel movements...
假如我老婆也是这种会给我的肠胃运动计时的类型，那我可能也会在厕所里躲着……
bennynthejetsss
Hahaha, I’m a nurse so I have no filter for bodily functions. He makes fun of my clumsiness and my gross habit of microwaving 2 day old coffee. Maybe that’s why I poop so fast...
哈哈哈，我是个护士所以我对身体机能没有偏见。他总是拿我的笨拙和用微波炉加热泡了两天的陈咖啡的恶心习惯开玩笑。或许这是我拉屎很快的一部分原因……
carannilion
Pooping is my me-time, though. Away from wife, children, dogs and the world at large.
拉屎是我最自我的时光。远离老婆，孩子，狗和全世界。
Time for reflection and silent contemplation.
是自省和安静地沉思的时光。
Rikawb
That's funny, i have "pooping problems", and i do that instinctively because i assume if i "help the intestines move", the poop will come out easier. At any given time, if you were to rush through the bathroom door, you would see me literally dance in the toilet.
有趣，我也有“拉屎问题”，我会本能地做这种动作，因为我觉得假如我能“帮助胃肠蠕动”，便便跑出来就可以轻松一些。在任何一刻，假如你冲进厕所，你会看见我在马桶上跳舞。
checkmyvibes
Also, if you have a vagina, you can literally reach into your vagina and push the poop out from the inside- I learned this on Reddit and it has saved me so much butt work over the years.
顺便，假如你是女的，你真的可以把手伸进前门然后把屎从里头挤下来――我从Reddit上学到了这一招，这几年里给我省了不少麻烦。
EmergencyAdvance
Coughing also helps
咳嗽也有帮助。
fartonabagel
Once I sneezed mid poop. That little shit shot out so fast I thought I cracked the bowl.
有一次我在拉屎的时候擤了个鼻涕。那坨屎飞出来的速度如此快，我以为我把马桶干碎了。
Gen-Jinjur
Shaving cream also removes the smell of urine. If you ever have to take care of someone who is old and/or sick and who wets the bed, a little shaving cream on a rag wiped over their buttocks after they are thoroughly cleaned up helps them really smell clean again.
剃须膏也会去除尿液的味道。假如你得照顾某个年迈或重病，会尿床的人，在把他们的身体擦干净之后用布往他们的屁股上涂一点剃须膏，可以让他们闻起来更干净。
